Well to say it's been challenging since my last blog in 2007, is a slight under statement.
Excuse the monumental pause initially because I was really too busy to write and then for breast cancer treatment and tumour removal. Yikes and all that.
What a bastard as they say and it has certainly changed my attitude to things in a million and one ways.
To your left is a picture of who I was at the start of this journey. At the time I didn't have a high opinion of myself although I new in a funky sort of way that I could do things, I didn't give myself much credit. In fact I would say I was actively grinding myself down with a very critical 'attitude to self'. I was not balanced in my perspective.
Then you get a wake up call in the form of a life threatening crisis. It started out relatively simply as a 'cyst' which I took to the Doctor in March 08 and by November it had turned into a 4cm cancerous tumour. Certainly something to get you thinking.
As I am the architect of the 'endless ambition diaries' obviously this spoiled all my plans for a while, or so I thought. Looking at it today I think it has helped my grow up and redefine myself.
Our culture calls upon us to be vain and self preening which in the final analysis distracts us from taking confident action.
How are we ever to progress if we constantly worry about our body shape, body hair, thinning hair, grey hair, thickening waistline, yellow teeth, unfashionable wardrobe, anorexia, tanorexia, obesity, being pear shapped, hour glassed, fat arsed or having a roving 'problem area' which is constantly changing depending on your demographic if you please.
I have lost count of the number of facist programmes I watched as 'a sick bitch' that shame women for not being 'on trend', for having too many clothes, masculine clothes, for lacking style and that subject women to surgical procedures for our viewing pleasure all in the name of 'self improvement'.
Where are our feminist fore Mothers when we need them? Why are we perpetuating this correctionist view of the feminine? By all means enjoy facials, massages, clothes, make up, design but by choice and not by cultural remit.
Having cancer as part of my life experience has made me radical and I am tired of seeing women degraded on a cultural level. I got bald, I got fat and I still am fatter than I 'should be' although I am now an average size 16, but as many people say to me "you are here". So the 'endless ambition diaries' live to write another day but I have to say there emphasis has changed and how!
Me after chemo, radiotherapy and surgery!
Me, chins and cheeks, courtesy of steroids.
Me no hair mid chemo
me at the beginning when my hair first came out with fifi
me after first surgery with fifi
1 comment:
you are so special to me aunty i love you so much and your wisdom really helps me grow often you have given me advice that has helped me beyond measure and things you say keep coming back to me during hard times thank you for being in my life and loving me ... your niece Elen
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